i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
