I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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