This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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