I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
So gin and wine won't be happening again
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
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