I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
