Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize