Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
