How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
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If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
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You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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