I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
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I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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