It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
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