Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
