i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
