I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
