I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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