Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
