If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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