Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
