I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
