i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
