My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
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