"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
