do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
