he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i dont even know how to be here
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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