Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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