11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
