I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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