I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
