My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
