i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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