my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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