He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
