he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
