I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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