So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
