I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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