Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
