Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Randomize
