somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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