I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i want to swaddle you in tequila
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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