Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
