Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
