I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
