they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
