It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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