You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I just gargled with NyQuil
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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