I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
