I think I just saw someone hide a body.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
