Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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