So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
