He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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