I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
