is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
