I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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