You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
