Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
