So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
