I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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