Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
