new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
