the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
